My Facade Revealed

October 11, 2009 at 11:03 am (Musings...)

My quiet place...

My quiet place...

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee..”  Isaiah 26:3

I came to know Jesus as a 5-year old.  I remember the day vividly.  Throughout my teen years I walked closely with God, memorizing scripture, praying.  In my early 20’s, newly married, I kept walking, striving to be the Proverbs 31 woman.

Sometime, though, in my late 20’s, early 30’s, I lost my way.  It was a private struggle.  I stopped reading the Bible and praying.  I no longer depended on God for my every thought and deed.  I slipped into habitual sin. 

However the mask I wore was firmly in place.  To my friends, I continued to be a spiritual giant; a woman who was dealing with a chronic illness, raising children, serving the Lord in very public ministries.   I continued to say the right words, assume the correct posture.

Privately, though, I forgot how to pray.  I stopped taking my Bible to church.  I no longer recalled memorized verses when I was being tempted.  More likely, I succumbed to the temptation.  My Bible sat, discarded, gathering dust, pages sticking together.  I had a deep hole in my being.  Habits were formed that weren’t edifying to me or my friends and family.  I became careless with my words.  I gradually stopped even attending church.  I wasted 15 years!

God continued to love and pursue me.  About 5 years ago, His grace and mercy caught me by surprise.  He still loved me!  It was not an immediate transformation.  I began my journey by praying… really praying… as an intercessor, an advocate, a grateful child.  Within six months, Dan and I found a church that we were comfortable attending. 

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  Jeremiah 29:13

Slowly I began the habit of opening my Bible each day.  I separated the pages, asking for forgiveness each time two pages stuck together.  I began to recall verses I had memorized years before. 

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”  Psalm 40:2

I am not perfect, but the facade is gone.  I have a vibrant prayer life.  I use my concordance regularly.  Amanda and Brent have the benefit of me reciting scripture to them.  I still struggle with some things… OCD, worry, but… I know that I know that I know…

“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”  Psalm 40:3

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3 Comments

  1. Danielle said,

    What a beautiful testimony! And thank you for the verse from Is. 26. I love that verse and I was reminded of it at the perfect time.

  2. Brian said,

    I am touched by your honest testimony. Makes me think blogging could be good.
    It brings me joy to know you have returned to your faith and prayer life. I think it brings God joy too. I could write similarly, for I too let life pull me away from God for some time. Like you, God never left me but patiently waited. I wrote a Psalm of my own, patterened after Psalm 103, that shares some of this from my own life. If you would like, I’ll email it to you. Maybe it would be good for a blog, or to be a part of a book I am working on. Thank you for your sharing.

  3. melodyejoy said,

    Brian, I would love for you to email it to me! Thanks!

    Melodye
    mjoy_59@yahoo.com

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