It Be Otay

March 8, 2010 at 12:16 am (MVD)

In the back of my mind, I knew it was coming.  I was saying all the “strong” and “right” phrases and encouraging people who were encouraging me.  However, it is just like holding a door shut against an overflowing river.  The door holds fast for only a bit and then……WOOSH!

Interestingly, this meltdown was cause by an innocuous event on a forum.  I usually sign my name like this:  Blessings, Melodye, http://www.melodyejoy.wordpress.com/   I have used that signature on and off for the past 3 years.  I guess someone on a forum doesn’t like the blog link added.  They are the moderator, the boss, I guess it is their choice.  But, I didn’t go down without a fight.   My blog is an extension of who I am, it is my thoughts, my prayers, my pictures, my life. 

I stood strong until I melted into a mess of tears ~~ that was an hour ago.  The tears are still coming. I know they are tears of fear, unknown, pain., certainly not because a moderator didn’t like the way I signed my posts. 

I cry some more… but the tears are now a cleansing fire.  “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.”  Psalm 51:7

I cry for the lost years as I struggled with MS and my body’s reaction.  I cry for the years I couldn’t be there for my kids when they most needed me.  I cry for the unfairness of life sometimes.  I cry for the purely selfish reason that if I had been healthy, I could have worked and we wouldn’t have had to struggle financially so much. 

There isn’t going to be a happy ending to this blog…  I am crying.  There is a cleansing that is occurring, a sanctifying fire. 

May I not lose sight of whose daughter I am, a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  He is my Jehovah Jirah, my Jehovah rapha. 

I hope I stop crying by the time tomorrow I meet with the neurologist and am hoping he won’t wheel me into the Psychiatric side of the hospital 🙂

“It be otay.”  Grammy used to tell me that as she gave me the best hugs in the world.  “It be otay.”    Grammy, what I wouldn’t give for one of your hugs right now.  “It be otay.”

Advertisements

3 Comments

  1. Ro~ said,

    I hope this posts,. if not, just know everything will be alright ~
    Blessings and Angels watch over,

  2. libby said,

    Praying for you, MommaO. Sometimes, the only comfort is knowing that He knows what tomorrow holds and will give grace to face it. Love you!

  3. Lorraine said,

    Mel we are praying for you ,will place you on the prayer list at church in the morning,
    Only God knows why , but something good will come out of all this His Name will be Glorified… Love you girls very much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: