It Be Otay

March 8, 2010 at 12:16 am (MVD)

In the back of my mind, I knew it was coming.  I was saying all the “strong” and “right” phrases and encouraging people who were encouraging me.  However, it is just like holding a door shut against an overflowing river.  The door holds fast for only a bit and then……WOOSH!

Interestingly, this meltdown was cause by an innocuous event on a forum.  I usually sign my name like this:  Blessings, Melodye, http://www.melodyejoy.wordpress.com/   I have used that signature on and off for the past 3 years.  I guess someone on a forum doesn’t like the blog link added.  They are the moderator, the boss, I guess it is their choice.  But, I didn’t go down without a fight.   My blog is an extension of who I am, it is my thoughts, my prayers, my pictures, my life. 

I stood strong until I melted into a mess of tears ~~ that was an hour ago.  The tears are still coming. I know they are tears of fear, unknown, pain., certainly not because a moderator didn’t like the way I signed my posts. 

I cry some more… but the tears are now a cleansing fire.  “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.”  Psalm 51:7

I cry for the lost years as I struggled with MS and my body’s reaction.  I cry for the years I couldn’t be there for my kids when they most needed me.  I cry for the unfairness of life sometimes.  I cry for the purely selfish reason that if I had been healthy, I could have worked and we wouldn’t have had to struggle financially so much. 

There isn’t going to be a happy ending to this blog…  I am crying.  There is a cleansing that is occurring, a sanctifying fire. 

May I not lose sight of whose daughter I am, a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  He is my Jehovah Jirah, my Jehovah rapha. 

I hope I stop crying by the time tomorrow I meet with the neurologist and am hoping he won’t wheel me into the Psychiatric side of the hospital 🙂

“It be otay.”  Grammy used to tell me that as she gave me the best hugs in the world.  “It be otay.”    Grammy, what I wouldn’t give for one of your hugs right now.  “It be otay.”