The Cry of My Heart

May 30, 2011 at 10:11 am (Multiple Sclerosis, Musings..., Singing, Trigeminal Neuralgia)

I wish I was more like Job. “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21b

I wish I was more like Paul, “there was given me a thorn in my flesh… three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ … for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

But I am neither of them. I am such a weak vessel. I know the verbage, I know the promises. I know that I know, that I know. But I am weary and I can’t see an answer. My body is betraying me. My TN pain is back, such horrible pain that sometimes I can’t bear it. My MS fatigue is ever present.. The meds I am on have caused me to gain 12 pounds. My voice is gone. I am in mourning. How long will I mourn?? I don’t know.

The pragmatist that I am wants answers, today. I am trying to fix things. But most of what is wrong is out of my control. Now THAT’S a dilemma for someone with OCD. 🙂 If I don’t smile, I will weep.

I am seriously thinking about giving up singing. I will see my commitments through the summer, but I believe I will stop, rehearsing, taking lessons, singing in the Fall. Every time I sing and rehearse, I mourn. When do I need to shake the dust off of my shoes and move forward? Singing has been part of my life for 48 years. The decision cannot be made lightly. I will think and pray on this one.

I know I don’t want to go through another MVD surgery. That means that, unless I am healed, I will have to effectively and safely medicate my body ~~ knowing full well the issues that can result ~~ addiction is always on the fringes of my mind. I am gaining weight, and I know it is the meds. Again, out of my control no matter what I eat, how I exercise.

I must rest in Him, be still and listen. I have asked the questions, but I won’t hear an answer until I am quiet.

So… I will be quiet.

I will listen.

I am listening.

I need answers.

May God have grace and mercy on me.


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I Am…

May 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm (Musings...)

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Trigeminal Neuralgia, Multiple Sclerosis and Blessings

May 12, 2011 at 5:03 pm (Beautiful Things, Multiple Sclerosis, MVD, Trigeminal Neuralgia)

Last Thursday I felt better than I had in months.  Approximately 6 weeks ago, I started to feel “twinges” on the right side of my face, my nose was ice cold and I had the “pins and needles” sensation.  These came and went, so I mostly ignored them.  After Contemporary Choir rehearsal last Thursday I was absolutely slammed with pain, above my eye, in my jaw and across my cheek.  I never, ever thought that the TN could come back.  I never “googled” anything about pain after MVD surgery.  The pain, intense pain, lasted through the weekend.  On Monday, the pain lifted a bit and I researched what was happening to me.  According to what I read, 31-36% of people with TN do have recurring pain; those with MS have an even higher percentage.  I have some really great meds, but I cannot drive or function when I take them.  However, I realized that I needed to get a handle on this, so, Friday through Tuesday I took copious amounts (within the prescribed limits).  By Wednesday, I started to feel a bit better.  Right now, I still have the pain, but it is tolerable.

Yesterday I stopped in our local Goodwill.  I hit the proverbial jackpot!  I got a pair of “Sporto” winter boots for $2.99.  I got a pretty summer dress for $9.99 (the tags were still on it, originally $90).  I also picked up this beautiful, what I assumed was mid-century ice pitcher for $8.99.

Pretty Pitcher

Once at home, I researched the pitcher.  It is a beautiful pale aqua/seafoam green (it is a bit greener/bluer than the pictures shows).  The bottom has “Universal…Oven proof, Union Made in USA, Ballerina Mist,” with a stamp of a ballerina.  It is a mid-century piece worth $35-$50.  There was a whole dinnerware set, complete with a 5-piece accessory set on the shelf.  I didn’t look hard at it yesterday because I was just drawn to the pitcher ~~ I also had spent my $$ limit 🙂  Anyway, I came home and when Danny came home, he loved the pitcher.  When I told him about the whole set, he asked why I didn’t pick it up.

All evening and through this morning, I kept thinking about that set.  Finally Dan said, “just go up and see if it’s still there!”  So I did ~~ it was!  It is a perfect 8-place/5-piece setting with 8 cereal bowls, a cake plate, covered bowl, serving bowl and sugar and creamer.  I paid $51.00 for the rest of the set.

A place setting: one of the little bowls and the accessories

I have no idea what I’m going to do with this, but it makes me happy :-))

See… little blessings.  I consider this a blessing.

This little pottery piece was $2.99 at Goodwill too.  I got it a few weeks ago.


It too is in perfect shape.  The bottom of this reads, “CALIF USA L83.”  I was unable to find an exact match on the Internet.

I don’t know what my physical future holds.  I need to see my neurologist.  However, I am happy for the blessings of beautiful things ~~ I truly am blessed.  AND, I didn’t have to spend much $$.

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Lists, lIsts, liSts, lisTs, listS, LISTS

May 5, 2011 at 10:56 am (Musings...)

I had 15 minutes of pure unadulterated panic this morning.  The book that I keep my list(s) in was missing.  I mean I really panicked!!  I searched, retraced my steps of last evening until they took me back to the couch crevice into which it had slipped.  (I know that last sentence is grammatically incorrect, but I’m still too flummoxed to care).

My kids can understand because they lived through it for all of their years at home.  I ordered their lives, all of our lives, with lists.  I simply cannot function without a list.  Some days my lists are very complicated, other days they are simple.  I usually write the day and date, my weight (that’s how I keep it under control).  Always first on my list is “Bible/pray” and “Pilates.”  The rest of the list depends on what I need to get done.  As you can see by the picture, this is how many “list” books I could get my hands on in 3 minutes.

My "list" books 🙂

I have many more in storage.  Amanda and Brent will have a fun time reading through them (or not) when I die.  I found my list book, {{Whew!!}} I must get moving!!

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The Mutterings of a Madwoman

May 2, 2011 at 12:40 pm (Jewelry, Multiple Sclerosis, Musings..., MVD)

I haven’t blogged in a while.  That means that I haven’t done anything stupendous worth blogging about.  I muddled through April.  I must give myself a break.  I need to talk to myself as if I was talking to my friend, Juel, giving myself props for just functioning.  I did get some good news.  That crazy neurologist, Dr. Pokharna, who told me I had mental issues, not MS, after consulting with my neurosurgeon, Dr. Bowles, has reached the conclusion that I do have MS…  Small victory!  Yay!  I am still going to make an appointment with another neurologist.

I am still struggling with chronic pain.  I do all that I can, exercising, moving, to help, but sometimes it just does me in.  It wears me down.  My pain management doctor gave me a prescription for Neurontin.  I am to take one pill at bedtime for 5 days, working up to 3 a day.  I don’t know if I can do that.  The 1 pill, even at bedtime, puts me in an altered state.  I don’t think I can/will take them during the day.  I hate the fact that I even need meds that I vowed I would NEVER take.  Be careful what you say 🙂

I am also eating way too much.  I am on the high end of what I like to weigh.  I decided yesterday to sort of take the “Special K Challenge.”  I am not registering on the site, but have decided to follow their plan.  It is simple and Lord knows I need simple.  I will report on my success 🙂

I also won a little contest. is a website I look at for the trends, mostly because I design jewelry but also because I love shoes and clothing!  Their blogs are fun to read, filled with ideas even for an old lady like me!    I won a swing dress from and a “fair market” turquoise necklace.    They will mail me my prizes, then I must take pictures of myself in the winnings.  I don’t win things, mostly because I don’t play the lottery or really enter contests…  I may have to re-think my contest entering.  🙂

I finished a bracelet this weekend for my sister’s mother-in-law, Mrs. P.  She gave me a box full of old jewelry and asked just that I make her a bracelet from a pair of earrings.  Once I took the earring backs off, I didn’t know what to do!  I started and stopped on this design about 4 times.  The earrings are from the 80’s and are triangle-shaped plastic with nothing to attach the wire to.  I had to figure out how to make it work.  I am also learning to work with seed beads.  I love the color freedom I have working with these little beads.

Mrs. P's bracelet

Seed Bead bracelet

A better look at the lattice work on top of the seed beading peyote stitch

I will try to blog more in the month of May.  Perhaps I will do something stupendous.  The Lord is working in my heart all the time, as I wade through the disruptive pain that is my life!!   I am working to be proactive when it comes to issues that the Lord bring to the forefront of my heart and character.  Right now, though, I’m going to take a nap!

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