The Cry of My Heart

May 30, 2011 at 10:11 am (Multiple Sclerosis, Musings..., Singing, Trigeminal Neuralgia)

I wish I was more like Job. “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21b

I wish I was more like Paul, “there was given me a thorn in my flesh… three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ … for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

But I am neither of them. I am such a weak vessel. I know the verbage, I know the promises. I know that I know, that I know. But I am weary and I can’t see an answer. My body is betraying me. My TN pain is back, such horrible pain that sometimes I can’t bear it. My MS fatigue is ever present.. The meds I am on have caused me to gain 12 pounds. My voice is gone. I am in mourning. How long will I mourn?? I don’t know.

The pragmatist that I am wants answers, today. I am trying to fix things. But most of what is wrong is out of my control. Now THAT’S a dilemma for someone with OCD. πŸ™‚ If I don’t smile, I will weep.

I am seriously thinking about giving up singing. I will see my commitments through the summer, but I believe I will stop, rehearsing, taking lessons, singing in the Fall. Every time I sing and rehearse, I mourn. When do I need to shake the dust off of my shoes and move forward? Singing has been part of my life for 48 years. The decision cannot be made lightly. I will think and pray on this one.

I know I don’t want to go through another MVD surgery. That means that, unless I am healed, I will have to effectively and safely medicate my body ~~ knowing full well the issues that can result ~~ addiction is always on the fringes of my mind. I am gaining weight, and I know it is the meds. Again, out of my control no matter what I eat, how I exercise.

I must rest in Him, be still and listen. I have asked the questions, but I won’t hear an answer until I am quiet.

So… I will be quiet.

I will listen.

I am listening.

I need answers.

May God have grace and mercy on me.

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5 Comments

  1. brownswissmomma said,

    Melodye (( love you)) I know sometimes there are no easy answers.

    • Melodye Olsavsky said,

      {{love you}} Esther. Pray that I find wisdom

  2. Estella said,

    “I am trying to fix things” You said it . Let God fix it. You already know you can’t do it. I know it’s not easy believe me. Anyway I just wanted to let you know I pray for you and love you .Estella

    • Melodye Olsavsky said,

      Thank you, Estella. Your prayers mean more than I can express πŸ™‚

  3. Danielle said,

    Will be praying for you, Melodye. You’ve got some hard decisions for sure.

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