Seeing in Color Again

June 21, 2011 at 3:15 pm (Multiple Sclerosis, Trigeminal Neuralgia)

I’ve been in a hole. A deep, dark hole. It was a slow, slippery slide and I didn’t realize how far I had fallen until I called my best friend, Juel and asked her to come and stay with me so I wouldn’t hurt myself.

Let me back up a bit… my trigeminal neuralgia has come back with a vengeance. One of my physicians put me on the drug, Neurontin, to try to help the nerve pain. He didn’t schedule a follow-up visit. I read the warnings on this drug, but the side effect of depression and suicidal thoughts were way down on the list of probabilities. Neurontin is a drug that has to build up in your body. I had been on the drug for about 7 weeks when I was having one of those really bad pain days. The following conversation occurred between me and myself (really, it did!!)

“I am in so much pain, I can’t stand it!! If I could take a bottle of pills, the pain would end forever.”
“Yeah, but one pill makes you sick in your stomach. If you take the whole bottle, you will really be sick…”
“I know, but my pain would be over.”
“…then you’d throw up and Juel would still have to call 911. They would come and take you to the ER and then put you in the psych ward for 10 days.”
“Okay, Okay, Okay.”

I didn’t take the pills. Juel came and sat with me while I held a heated rice bag to my face. The crisis passed. I had an appointment with Dr. Mike and he took one look at me, looked at my meds and said, “You’ve got to get off of the Neurontin immediately.”

It has been three weeks since I took my last Neurontin. About one week ago, I realized that I was alive again. I was seeing the world in color again. I saw that all of my creative projects were in a state of suspended animation. I wasn’t even aware that I had stopped working on my creations.

I am managing my pain with pain pills very carefully and purposefully. I see a new neurologist on August 1. I have begun to create again. I have a new wonderful visual outlet ~~ Pinterest.

I know that the road I have to travel isn’t an easy road, but I’m moving forward again.

The Road Not Taken ~~ Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



  1. Amanda said,

    Praying for you dear friend. You are stronger than you know 🙂 I’m glad your sky is blue again. Keep looking up!!

  2. brownswissmomma said,

    Melodye, this is one of my very favorite poems!! I am so glad the windshield wipers wiped all the fog away and you can see! Love you so much sister of mine.

  3. My Lament ~~ His Promises « Melodyejoy's Weblog said,

    […] In May, 2011, one of the meds I was taking caused me (very briefly – see my post, “Seeing In Color Again“) to contemplate suicide.    In November of 2011, right before Thanksgiving, I had a […]

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