Redefining “Melodye Joy Olsavsky”

October 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm (Musings...)

I usually blog about happy things, my art, my jewelry… It can make me feel vulnerable when I post something so personal on such a public forum. But I am going to speak my truth today.

Who am I??

I am a wife of a fabulous husband and the mother of two darling children. I am 52 years old and have many interests, mostly in the arts: sewing, painting, designing jewelry, singing and playing the piano. I have a chronic illness, multiple sclerosis and struggle with trigimenal neuralgia, a very painful nerve condition that causes excruciating pain on the right side of my face. It is very painful to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes nearly impossible. My hair is nearly all white — only my wonderful hairdresser, Lindsay knows for sure 🙂

I am by nature a hermit. I draw energy from completing an art project and surrounded with the things I love in my home. I can function in social situations, but I prefer to be by myself. Give me a good snowstorm any day! I love NASCAR and college and pro football. I like to read a good book and leaf through magazines for new recipes. I really don’t like to cook, but I am very good at it 🙂 I have a recipe I am looking forward to trying this weekend — tiramisu cupcakes. I enjoy surfing the net and posting pictures on “Pinterest.” Fabulous shoes are, well… fabulous!

Why do I feel invisible?

The world focuses mostly on being young — I am fully aware that I am no longer the “voice du jour,” the “beauty du jour,” the “person du jour.” I cannot sing as well as I used to. I have wrinkles. Circumstances caused me to give up something I love to do, rehearsing a choir. Some medicines I am on have weight gain as a side effect — and I’ve gained 20 pounds. I am in the habit of going to the store and bank in an old pair of sweatpants with an even older coat thrown on — my hair raked back in a bobby pin. Who cares? Why does it matter? I have become someone who I vowed I would never become… I think if pink curlers were still in vogue, I would be wearing them in public! I do shower on a regular basis and brush my teeth 🙂 More than that, I just don’t care.

I get it that I am a child of God and am worthy to feel validated simply because of that fact. My head knows that, but my heart is trying to figure it out.

My daughter, Amanda, challenged me yesterday to “put on some makeup and a hat” when I ran some errands. I did!

Me - Yesterday

Today I had more errands to run…

Me - Today

I must take baby steps to redefine who I am. Some of it is merely taking care of myself and focusing on looking my best. I am reading a book a friend gifted me with — Hinds’ Feet On High Places. I am doing the accompanying Bible study. I identify with “Much Afraid” as she moves toward a place she has never been before. She has to let go of things that bind and hold her back. I am Much Afraid. I am being still and listening. I am mourning the fact that some things I love to do are finished. I am closing chapters, struggling with feelings of despair and unworthiness.

I am going to open new chapters. I am going to (even reluctantly) put on makeup and a hat when I venture into the world. (I did buy some mascara that comes off easily with water — I hate to remove makeup!).

It will be “otay.” It will be “otay.”

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4 Comments

  1. Amanda G. said,

    #1. you are beautiful inside as well as out, which is rarity nowaways. I consider myself blessed just to know you! Don’t redefine too much, you are amazing just as you are!

    #2. If those tiramisu cupcakes turn out yummy, you must post the recipe!

  2. Susan said,

    I have discovered that there is a whole different beauty that comes with age. I now find my wrinkles and extra pounds an attractive sign of my perserverance. Life is wonderful in the 50’s and I’m looking forward to the 60’s (which is not that far off). My scars are signs of the battle I have won ! You are beautiful and you will win your battles, too. So put on those funky hats and great outfits you put together and step out for another day. When are we going to get together for a cup of tea? 🙂

  3. Danielle said,

    It’s good that while our outer selves are, indeed, wasting away, God is crafting an inner beauty. I heard this podcast a while back and thought of it while reading your post. Perhaps it would bless you: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/revive-our-hearts/growing-old-for-god-s-glory/

  4. Debbie said,

    I just stumbled upon your blog via the Miss Mustard Seed blog. Your thoughts touched my heart. I think most people feel the exact same way and most of us don’t have your courage to verbalize our thoughts and fears. You are not alone. Continue to be proactive and enjoy your talents and the wisdom that age can bring. God bless you!

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