I Can’t Do This Anymore

January 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm (Trigeminal Neuralgia)

Last night at 12:00 midnight, I wandered down to the TV room where darling DannyO was sitting, watching TV and doing some computer work.  He is a night owl — actually he is an early bird too… another subject for another time.  I said something I’ve been saying for the last six months at least three or four times a week, “I Cant Do This Anymore!”

“This” is trigeminal neuralgia pain in the right side of my face.  At least two or three times a week the pain becomes unbearable.  I am getting better about medicating.  I used to be reticent about taking pain meds, but then the pain gets a head of steam and no matter what I do I cannot medicate it away.

Even if I take my medicine correctly, sometimes the pain breaks through anyway.  Last night was one of those times.  I took Ambien and the pain broke through my sleep.  Lying down makes it worse.  Sitting up doesn’t help but at least I can distract myself by watching TV or surfing the Net.  My kids laugh at me because when I am awakened in spite of Ambien, my brain races and I make lots of plans.  That is when I usually start texting them… regardless of the hour.  They ignore my texts (which is good) or they answer by saying, “Mom, are you ambien-texting?”

I don’t have any answers.  I am resigned to the fact that I will have to live in pain for the rest of my life.  I’ve chosen for my 2012 verse  Jeremiah 29:11-13. ” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.   You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

The only thing I know to do is to wake up every morning and claim new mercies to face another day.  It is exhausting and discouraging.  I often feel deep despair. I have asked the Lord to take me home — an honest truth.

I wish I had answers but I do not.  I must have hope — how can I have hope??

I am learning to take my life minute by minute.  I have pain this morning but it is under control.  I will think no further than the next hour, then I will edit my activities based on how I feel.

I MUST do this.

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2 Comments

  1. Danielle said,

    I certainly have no answers. I will say I’ve read a book and an author that speaks to hope in pain. The book is a devotional and it’s The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie.

    Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/One-Year-Book-Hope-Books/dp/1414301332

    She’s actually written a lot of books on suffering in general, as she’s lost two out of three children. I think you’d be encouraged by it.

  2. almondslices said,

    boy does that sentiment sound familiar, sweet cousin. during several times of life, i have had those same thoughts. “i can’t do this anymore. please, just take me.” most times, not all, were due to emotional pain. living in hope is elusive, but i think it’s because there is no room for doubt in the goodness of God. i have had to work like crazy to stand on the goodness of God. it’s mainly because of that dose of reality that says, for example, “but the worst could happen. you could lose that baby.” and I did.
    i just read a wonderful devotion that pointed to several stories in the Bible, pointing to the characters lives at their darkest moments — esther, trembling before a king who had every right to take her life; Peter when he denied his Lord; Jesus as he died on the cross. at those moments of pitch black, no hope in sight, God was busy lighting the spark of triumph. esther saved her people. peter became a great evangelist. and most gloriously, Jesus rose again so that we could know victory.
    seeking answers in this painful life can often be a frustrating experience. if we receive answers, they are not what we were looking for, because even the answers require faith. at least, i have found that to be true of me.
    i have wrestled so much with our Lord, crying out again and again, “i will not let go until you bless me!” i have a gimpy hip, but He has. He has blessed me with Himself in ways i never expected. He was the compensation for what i had lost. and it was more than enough.

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