Stepping Out Of The Circle

August 30, 2012 at 6:50 pm (Jewelry, Multiple Sclerosis, Shoes, Trigeminal Neuralgia)

Amanda and Hengyi — the day of their wedding reception hosted by Hengyi’s parents in China.

I last blogged on July 28 — I promise, truly I promise, to blog more than once a month.  It is so hard sometimes to blog when you are struggling — with pain mostly!  My MS has been so bad that I feared I would need to begin to use a wheelchair.  My trigeminal neuralgia pain has been off the charts.  I can’t seem to get a handle on it and every day has been a struggle.  I don’t want to be a blogger who complains, without hope.  Truly, though, I have had some moments of despair.  So… I neglect my blog.

At the same time, I was feeling intense pressure… (follow, if you can, my bouncing brain)… I have so many creative gifts so I feel I must create.  I must create, but I cannot create because just functioning takes all of my energy so I feel like a failure because I cannot create because I have the God-given ability to create so I must create…  I can paint so I must paint but I can’t paint so I must be a failure.  If I could just paint, but I can’t paint…  I can create jewelry, so I must create jewelry, but I cannot create jewelry so I must be a failure.  If I could just create jewelry, but I can’t create jewelry…  I can sew so I must sew but I can’t sew so I must be a failure.  If I could just sew, but I can’t sew… See the vicious circles???

I talked to my “therapist.”  I say that loosely because my therapist happens to be my best friend, Juel.  I called her about 3 weeks ago and said, “Put on your therapist hat for a few moments.”  She listened and asked a few questions and I came to the realization that I have “circular thinking.”  OCD probably has a lot to do with it, but nevertheless my brain works in circles.  She led me to the conclusion that I must, with purpose, step out of the circle.

So I stepped out of the circle.  My art studio is clean and ready for me to create, but I haven’t stepped into the room.  I went to the library and meandered, looking at authors I’ve never considered.  I found an author, Mercedes Lackey — I can’t put her books down!  I am reading like I used to read… walking around with a book while I do my daily chores, stopping only when I must and when my eyes become too fatigued to focus.  I have a book by my bed so when I have insomnia or when pain becomes acute and I cannot sleep — I read.  I am re-reading my library of art books and jewelry books.

One of the series I am reading

Oh, and I also bought a pair of shoes for Fall/Winter!  No one can ever have too many pairs of shoes!

Awesome shoes with a little bling 🙂

So, I will step back into the circle soon, but I am not giving myself a time limit (although THAT goes against everything that is OCD in my brain!)  I can feel myself becoming renewed again.  I just was walking through the living room today and had an idea for rearranging/repurposing some of the furniture in the room.  My brain has run in so many circles that I haven’t been able to solve the spatial problem of the current furniture arrangement!

My spirit will know when it is time to step back in… I will be renewed, refreshed and reinvigorated.  I made a cup of tea this evening and will probably stay up WAY too late to finish my book.

Until it is time for me to step back into the circle, as Grammy used to say… “It will be otay.”

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