A Place Of Rest

September 26, 2014 at 12:11 pm (Multiple Sclerosis, Musings...)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 28.

Fair warning… this isn’t a happy blog post.  It is a cry from my heart.  No pictures. No profound statements.  Just me trying to put a very long battle into perspective and searching for a bit of peace.

Those of you who read my blog understand that I work really hard to find JOY in every circumstance.  You haven’t heard from me because I didn’t want to burden you.  Many, and I might say most public blogs only show the fun side of life.  Right now, it is very hard to read them because it seems most people are sailing through life, creating, functioning beautifully, without a bump in the road.

My “bump” is coming up on 25 years… multiple sclerosis.  I have fought bravely with all of my being but I am tired, very very tired, tired in my bones, tired in my soul.

Several factors have culminated to get me to this point.  First, my disease is progressing.  My trigeminal neuralgia gives me a literal pain in my head most days.  Medicating that is tricky.  I walk a fine line between being addicted to opiates and under-medicating to the point where it takes more drugs to get rid of the pain.  My MS is causing my legs to weaken by the end of the day, meaning that by the time DannyO comes home from work I am totally spent.  Add to that sweet Jazmine.  If I am honest, we have a love-hate relationship.  She is nearly 5 months old, very smart, but a puppy with frenetic energy.  I no longer have the privilege of staying in bed all day.  Sometimes I need to do that but right now am unable to do so.  Since I agreed to get her, I cannot complain to Danny about it.  If it was up to me, we wouldn’t have her – she is Dan’s.  But what is done is done.

I weep a few times each day.  Yesterday I took Jazzy outside to run off some steam.  It was a beautiful sunny Autumn day but I couldn’t see the beauty.  As I lie in the grass I asked, “Where are you Lord??  I can’t feel You!!  I can’t see You!!”

A whisper came through my spirit… “Breathe, my child, in and out… breathe My Name. I am here. I love you my child”

You see, I forget to pray for myself.  I pray for others… sweet Madeline, my darling DannyO and children, my MS Ninja friends, Jenn, requests that come over the EBC Facebook page, my Momma and Daddy.

While it wasn’t a big “ah-ha” moment, I decided to just breathe the name of Jesus.  Today I am doing better.  I was able to do a load of wash, pay bills and pick a few things up at the grocery store without having a panic attack.   I took Jazzy to the store because I went early enough that it wasn’t too hot.  Right now she is crated so I can rest.  I am learning that her crate is my friend. 🙂

Tomorrow??  Don’t know.  I’m just trying to get through today.  Jazzy will want out soon and we will be taking a slow walk (that would be me) to help wear her out.  She romps and runs as I shuffle along.  My house is filthy (by my standards).  It probably would be a good idea if I found someone to help me one day each month.  We need to clean part of the basement so Jazmine can go out using that door. It would help keep my kitchen floor clean.  I can’t go into my art room during the day because she likes to be right by my side and there are too many things she could ruin.  In the evening I am just too tired.  Soon she will be willing and able to simply lie at my feet… soon… I want to sing.  I want to sew.  I want to paint.   I want to dance (not really but I’m planning to dance in heaven).

So, I breathe, in and out, breathing His Name, asking the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf because I don’t know how to pray.  I behave my way through each day, knowing that there is a chance that tomorrow will be better… maybe.  But I hold on to the promise that, if I am weary and heavy laden, I know a place of rest.

There is a place of quiet rest,
Near to the heart of God;
A place where sin cannot molest,
Near to the heart of God.

Refrain:
O Jesus, blest Redeemer,
Sent from the heart of God;
Hold us, who wait before Thee,
Near to the heart of God.

There is a place of comfort sweet,
Near to the heart of God;
A place where we our Savior meet,
Near to the heart of God.

There is a place of full release,
Near to the heart of God;
A place where all is joy and peace,
Near to the heart of God.

Refrain:
O Jesus, blest Redeemer,
Sent from the heart of God;
Hold us, who wait before Thee,
Near to the heart of God.

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2 Comments

  1. Deborah said,

    I will be praying for you.

  2. Danielle said,

    Thanks for sharing your struggles and what God is teaching you in them, Melodye.

    This post reminded me of another song, by Kari Jobe. Check it out on YouTube if you’ve not heard it, but here’s the lyrics:

    “Here”

    Come and rest here
    Come and lay your burdens down
    Come and rest here
    There is refuge for you now

    You’ll find His peace
    And know you’re not alone anymore
    He is near
    You’ll find His healing
    You’re heart isn’t shattered anymore
    He is here

    Breathe in
    Breathe out
    You will
    You will find Him here

    I will rest in You

    You will find Him
    You will find Him here
    You will find Him
    You will find Him here

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