The Cry of My Heart

May 30, 2011 at 10:11 am (Multiple Sclerosis, Musings..., Singing, Trigeminal Neuralgia)

I wish I was more like Job. “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21b

I wish I was more like Paul, “there was given me a thorn in my flesh… three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ … for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

But I am neither of them. I am such a weak vessel. I know the verbage, I know the promises. I know that I know, that I know. But I am weary and I can’t see an answer. My body is betraying me. My TN pain is back, such horrible pain that sometimes I can’t bear it. My MS fatigue is ever present.. The meds I am on have caused me to gain 12 pounds. My voice is gone. I am in mourning. How long will I mourn?? I don’t know.

The pragmatist that I am wants answers, today. I am trying to fix things. But most of what is wrong is out of my control. Now THAT’S a dilemma for someone with OCD. 🙂 If I don’t smile, I will weep.

I am seriously thinking about giving up singing. I will see my commitments through the summer, but I believe I will stop, rehearsing, taking lessons, singing in the Fall. Every time I sing and rehearse, I mourn. When do I need to shake the dust off of my shoes and move forward? Singing has been part of my life for 48 years. The decision cannot be made lightly. I will think and pray on this one.

I know I don’t want to go through another MVD surgery. That means that, unless I am healed, I will have to effectively and safely medicate my body ~~ knowing full well the issues that can result ~~ addiction is always on the fringes of my mind. I am gaining weight, and I know it is the meds. Again, out of my control no matter what I eat, how I exercise.

I must rest in Him, be still and listen. I have asked the questions, but I won’t hear an answer until I am quiet.

So… I will be quiet.

I will listen.

I am listening.

I need answers.

May God have grace and mercy on me.

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Stepping Out Of My Comfort Zone

January 17, 2011 at 10:31 am (Singing)

I have been singing since I was three years old.  I don’t know what memories my sisters have (I know some aren’t happy ~~ and I’m sorry for that), but my remembrances are mostly fond.  Dad pushed us to be the best we could be.  I was involved in high school musicals, college musicals, a college group called, “Sound Investment.”  I wanted to sing on broadway.  I auditioned for “Truth” but was too afraid to make the trip.  When I quit college (Dad lost his job in the mines), I came home and joined a family group, “The Christian Diplomats.” 

Singing at New Germany Grove

Playing "Lucy"

 
I was known as a “dramatic soprano.”  That is basically a person with a very loud voice 🙂  Seriously, though, I defined who I was greatly through my voice.  I got married and  had children.   Amanda started to sing and I stopped.  I, instead facilitated her.  I never wanted her to feel she was competing with me.

Last Chorus Concert I accompanied

For 13 years I accompanied the Central Cambria choirs, facilitating young people to sing.  It was such a rewarding experience.
 
Something happened along the way… my voice deteriorated.  I think several things caused this to happen:  the natural aging of my body, my MS, and the fact that I didn’t exercise my gift. 
 
Today I am taking a voice lesson.  I have three requests… that he help me “contemporize” my voice, that I regain, even gain more vocal flexibility, and the ability to control my vibrato.  I don’t know if any of this is possible, but, hey, if I don’t try, I won’t know!!

Singing with my family

All I know is that somewhere along my journey, I’ve lost confidence.  I want to be able to sing again, to sing beautifully, and to enjoy the process!!  I will report on my progress.

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